“Rage” by Medium Build

When I was in college, I found a unique way to earn some extra cash—playing music around town. The term “extra” might be a bit generous; truth be told, I desperately needed the money. My experience as a college musician taught me more than just how to strum a guitar; it taught me valuable life lessons, particularly about the nature of anger and self-compassion.

One memorable night stands out. It was after an SEC football game, and I was scheduled to play at one of my regular spots. The excitement of the game day had distracted me, and I hadn’t planned as meticulously as I should have. I arrived at the venue at 8:45 PM, with only fifteen minutes to spare before my 9 PM to midnight set. As I began setting up my gear, I realized with a sinking heart that I had forgotten my DI box—the essential piece of equipment I needed to amplify my guitar. I felt like a complete fool. With the bar soon to be packed due to the home game weekend, I had been hired to entertain a crowd that I was now unable to serve.

I saw two options: admit defeat and potentially jeopardize future gigs at this venue, or race across campus to retrieve the DI box and hope I could make it back in time. I chose the latter and sped off with my friend in tow. Of course, it was a home game weekend, and the traffic was a nightmare.

I needed to cover less than a mile, but even that seemed impossible. I hit a standstill traffic jam just a block away from my destination. “No stress, this will clear up soon,” I reassured myself. But as the minutes ticked by, my frustration mounted. In a moment of hubris, I took a risky left turn, thinking I could outsmart the traffic. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was stuck with thousands of others who had the same “brilliant” idea.

By 9:30 PM, I had only moved a quarter-mile, and my anger reached its boiling point. In a fit of rage, I took it out on my indestructible Nokia brick phone, repeatedly smashing it against the steering wheel until the screen went black. There I was, stuck in traffic, unable to call the bar or anyone else, while hundreds of patrons awaited my performance. My friend’s words cut through the tension, “Well, that was dumb, and we’re still in traffic.” He was right. My anger had only served to exacerbate the situation.

This story was emblematic of a pattern that plagued much of my 20s. I would encounter a problem, get angry, and then make the problem worse. It was a destructive cycle that I repeated far too many times before I began to understand the underlying issues.

Anger is often described as the easiest and cheapest emotion. It’s also a secondary emotion, one that usually surfaces to mask another, deeper feeling. It took me a long time to realize that the object of my anger wasn’t the traffic, my phone, or the people in my life—it was consistently myself. I harbored an intense, deep-seated anger and hatred toward myself. I was angry for forgetting the DI box, for missing an assignment, for snapping at a friend. I became frustrated, then angry at my frustration, and then angry at my anger. This cycle spiraled into displays of rage that only made matters worse.

The key lesson I failed to learn was the importance of self-grace. Instead of berating myself for each mistake, I needed to learn to cut myself some slack. I had to understand that making a mistake didn’t define me as a mistake. Rather than succumbing to self-loathing and punishment, which only fueled more anger, I needed to show myself kindness and love.

Sitting in that bumper-to-bumper traffic, I wish I could have told myself, “Addison, you simply forgot something. It happens. It’s not the end of the world. Do what you can, do the best you can, and move on. It will all be okay.” What became painfully clear to me was how much shame I carried with me every day. I couldn’t make a mistake without despising myself for days, becoming angry at myself, and, by extension, those around me. It was a terrible cycle that caused a great deal of pain, especially to myself.

In essence, I needed to learn not to take myself so seriously. I made a mistake, and that was okay. I was allowed to do so. This cycle of self-criticism and anger damaged my relationships repeatedly. When I inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings or impacted someone negatively, I would become so upset with myself that I consumed all the space in the relationship. My self-hatred was so overwhelming that it left no room for the person I had hurt to be the focus. I needed to give myself a break and accept that I had hurt someone’s feelings. This is a normal part of human relationships. My obsessive anger with myself did far more harm to the relationship than simply accepting my actions, apologizing, and focusing on the person I had hurt.

If you find yourself grappling with self-loathing and hatred, it’s important to give yourself a break. It’s okay to hurt someone’s feelings occasionally. It doesn’t make you a villain or a monster. It means you are engaged in the messiness of human relationships and, more importantly, that you are human.

The journey from anger to self-compassion is not an easy one, but it is essential for personal growth and healthy relationships. It requires a conscious effort to recognize the triggers for your anger and to understand the underlying emotions that fuel it. For me, it was often a sense of inadequacy or fear of failure that lay beneath the surface. By acknowledging these feelings and addressing them with kindness rather than anger, I began to break the cycle.

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you would offer a good friend when they are suffering. It means being mindful of your negative emotions without over-identifying with them. It requires recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience—we all make mistakes, and we are all fallible.

As I continued to navigate my life and career, I found that self-compassion not only reduced my anger but also helped me to be more resilient in the face of challenges. It allowed me to take risks without the paralyzing fear of failure, to be more creative in my life’s work, and to form deeper, more authentic connections with others.

The process also involved learning to communicate my feelings more effectively. Instead of lashing out in anger, I began to express my emotions in a way that was honest and non-confrontational. This allowed me to resolve conflicts more constructively and to build trust with those around me.

Another important aspect of self-compassion is self-care. Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being can significantly impact your ability to handle stress and reduce the likelihood of anger taking over. For me, this meant setting aside time for reading, working out, surfing, etc. as powerful outlets for expression.

In addition to self-care, setting realistic expectations for myself was crucial. I learned to set achievable goals and to celebrate small victories along the way. This helped me to maintain a sense of progress and to avoid the frustration that often led to anger.

As I reflect on that night, stuck in traffic with a broken phone and a bar full of patrons waiting for me, I realize how far I’ve come. The road to self-compassion has been long and sometimes difficult, but it has been one of the most rewarding journeys of my life. It has allowed me to grow as a person.

If you’re struggling with anger and self-loathing, remember that change is possible. It starts with a simple yet profound shift in how you treat yourself. Be patient, be kind, and most importantly, be compassionate towards yourself. You are human, and that’s perfectly okay.

Kindly, Addison